I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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