....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
