my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
