you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
