MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
