So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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