Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
