You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
