is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
