I met the friendliest cop last night
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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