dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
