Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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