onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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