Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
