god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
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