Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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