i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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