ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
