Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
