my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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