nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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