i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
