I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
