Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize