They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
