I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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