Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
