hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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