i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize