Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
