did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
