No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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