Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
