I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
is it fun? or sober?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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