i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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