i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
