I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
