On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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