You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
