oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
