If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
