running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize