have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
