Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize