and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
