did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
