Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
this hospital has no fireball
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
