either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
