I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
