afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
