All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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