I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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