she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
