i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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