Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
