If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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