and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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